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Raising Cain

The Columbus Park West Nursery School book group held its first meeting last night. We talked about Raising Cain, by Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson. Some of the points we discussed will be of interest to anyone who is interested in the lives of boys and men in our culture.

I’d like to open up the discussion.

Kindlon and Thompson describe the lives of boys in middle school and high school as a  “culture of cruelty”  in which boys constantly put each other down and even hurt each other, any one who shows vulnerability is punished by the group, and even those who are on top of the social pecking order need to be constantly on guard to maintain their status.
 
Does this seem true to you? We weren’t sure whether it might be exaggerated or might be specific to the private boarding school populations which seem to be Kindlon and Thomspon’s focus.

The largest question that came out of the meeting was—how can we give our boys the inner resources to withstand the pressures to be strong and tough and not to be aware of their feelings?

Please share your thoughts!

Posted on Monday, March 10, 2008 at 03:06PM by Registered CommenterCPWN | Comments2 Comments

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Reader Comments (2)

This is not an exaggeration of the experience of boys at the boarding school I attended in the 80’s…

With my two kids today, we spend more time talking to the kid being teased than the one doing the teasing. Most kids know that teasing is wrong, but they need help learning how to absorb or ignore it when they are the recipient.

A typical exchange:
Child (whining): “He said I’m stupid”
Parent: “Well, are you stupid?”
Child: “um, no”
Parent: “Then don’t let what he said bother you”

- John C
March 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJohn C.
A larger concern is that our culture discourages a boy from expressing his full range of emotions, with the virtually uniform expectation that he "be a man." Without the freedom to fully express and resolve such feelings as anger and sadness, boys frequently are unable to appropriately manage their internal conflicts. This can result in their being more inclined to bully, and less inclined to deal with being bullied effectively. It can also prevent them from being able to stand up for someone else who is being treated cruelly. Underlying all of these problems is an impairment of empathy, something that is not as systematicaly nurtured and valued in boys as girls.

Maybe a simple way to encourage your children to feel confident in being empathic is to ask them "How does that make you feel?" and "How do you think that makes the other guy feel?" Just being able to identify emotions in oneself and others can be a remarkable asset.

We all want to give our children the edge the need to successfully pursue their life's goals. It's time to recognize that emotional competence is as crucial to their effectiveness as are academic, athletic and social skills.
April 9, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBrealyn

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